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Mutual Submission

Ephesians 5:18b-33

February 22, 2004

but be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hearts, ²⁰giving thanks to God the Father at all times and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The Christian Household

²¹Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²²Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. ²⁸In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, ³⁰because we are members of his body.^{£ 31}“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³²This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. ³³Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

I was listening to WBZ radio this week and I heard Paul Harvey tell a funny story about a woman, her husband and a couple of guns.

In Howard, Wisconsin, a man and his wife decided to hide their valuables when they went away on vacation.  Just in case their home was burglarized, they didn’t want robbers to find their most prized possessions. 

The husband hid his three guns and all his ammunition in the oven.  He neglected to tell his wife where he had hid them! 

They returned from vacation.  Their hidden valuables were the last things on their mind.  Perhaps they had been traveling a long time, perhaps they were tired and hungry from their journey because they began to prepare supper together…  one of them turned the dial on the stovetop to preheat the oven and you can imagine the fireworks!! 

Thankfully, nobody was hurt.  Paul Harvey called this “one noisy homecoming” and suggested, “the couple may still be huddled together behind the refrigerator.”[1]

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on what you thought of that story, that was the last attempt at humor you’ll hear from me today.

Because, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that most of what you hear about men, women and guns is far more sinister and tragic than the silliness Paul Harvey spoke of last Thursday.

In a typical church on Sunday morning we might imagine that every fifteen seconds a prayer is lifted to a God eager to hear and respond, an envelope or a coin or a bill is released into an offering plate by a hand ready to do God’s work, a coffee cup is lifted to the lips of a parishioner glad to join in fellowship.  Would you also believe that every fifteen seconds, every day of every week, across the United States, a woman is assaulted by an abuser?[2]

Here’s one of those horrible and tragic stories of a woman, a man and some guns.  This is a news story that was written in September of last year, but it could have happened at any time in North America within the last 30 years.

A domestic dispute turned deadly on Sunnyslope Road when a man shot and killed his estranged wife and then himself late Saturday.

The bodies of Stephanie Smith, 37, and Leo Smith, 40, were found on the living room floor of their apartment, both with what appeared to be a fatal gunshot wound to the head, the Police Department said.

Investigators said Leo, who was separated from his wife Stephanie, was seen by neighbors trying to force his way through her front door at approximately 10:56 p.m. Saturday.

Concerned neighbors, who heard the sounds of a woman screaming from the apartment, called police.

Four police officers arrived at the apartment complex by 10:58 p.m., according to the county’s emergency communication center.

When the officers reached the apartment, they reportedly found the front door had been severely damaged and forced open, even though there was a chair propped up against it from the inside, investigators said.

The stench of freshly burned gunpowder stung the nostrils of officers as they cautiously entered the apartment. Investigators said the smoke from the gunpowder could still be seen wafting through the air in the apartment as they searched it.

Investigators said it appears that Leo Smith was prepared to deal with any resistance that might have stood in his way. He was found wearing body armor; a .45-caliber handgun was found on the floor next to him; a .40-caliber handgun was found underneath his body; and a spare .40-caliber handgun magazine filled with ammunition was found in an empty holster he was wearing.[3]

Violence. 

In a home. 

Between a man and a woman. 

But this isn’t the only way such violence occurs.

Domestic violence is something that goes far deeper than guns, deeper than anger, rage, murder or other symptoms and byproducts that can be found daily on the front pages of newspapers across this country and around the world.

According to a leading national agency, that advocates for victims domestic violence is a pattern of assaults and controlling behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks and economic control that individuals use against their intimate partners. Domestic violence is lethal, its common, and affects people of all cultures, religions, ages, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds and income levels.[4]

The abuse that occurs may culminate in violence but in truth it starts small and take many forms including:

Intimidation: Menacing looks, threatening gestures, loud voices and property damage violence perpetrated on pets or children and other loved ones are all common forms of intimidation.

Isolation: Isolation is a means of maintaining power and control. It is common for an abuser to control who their significant other sees, talks to and where they go.

Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse is present in every case of domestic abuse. Emotional abuse includes put downs, attacks on a victim's self esteem, name calling and mind games.

Economic abuse: Perpetrators will often prohibit their partners from getting jobs, make it impossible for them to maintain jobs they already have, and/or force them into a position where they need to ask for allowance money to take care of their families basic needs.

Threats: Making a threat is another common way to perpetrate domestic violence. Threats often include threats to harm the victim, take the children or commit suicide. It is important to note that it is not uncommon for an abuser to contemplate suicide and homicide if they are desperate to regain control.[5]

Domestic violence is about controlling behavior, about forcing another into submission, about the darkest kind of lordship and about ruling over another human being.  And because of this, it often sounds biblical.  Because of some common vocabulary, words like lordship, headship and submission sometimes even church people, pastors, good God-fearing, devout Christians will recommend to women who are being abused, “Be patient, love him enough and God will use you to change his heart.  After all, doesn’t it say in the bible, ‘wives submit to your husbands?”  Such thinking may begin in faith and in devotion but always ends up in the hell that is domination, violence and depraved disobedience to God.

Many people make this mistake.  Perhaps you or someone you know too believes that for a woman to be a biblical Christian is to accept the rule and authority of her husband in all things. 

Daniel Fichera probably did.

Here’s another newspaper article describing an incident that happened in Rochester, NH last fall.

Before Daniel Fichera shot his estranged wife, he held her at gunpoint for several hours, read her passages from the Bible, made her sign confessions and struck her several times with the butt of a shotgun…A promised meeting with a real estate agent was part of a "scheme" by Fichera to lure his wife to the property. A next-door neighbor said that the two had long been involved in an acrimonious divorce. They had been separated since spring.

The two drove to their property in Fichera's motor home. After they arrived, Fichera pulled a shotgun on King. Over the next several hours, he struck her several times in the head with the shotgun and read highlighted passages from the Bible to her. He attempted to handcuff her and demanded sex.[6]

He quoted the bible to her before he shot her.  Do you think he read the words of the apostle Paul that we just read?

“Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife…Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.”

Because of this tendency to see the Bible as an ally to abuse, many secular workers who work alongside women and children survivors of domestic violence, will NOT work with churches and distrust pastor and religious workers.

Who can blame them.

Here’s what one woman experienced

“I can't talk to my husband. If I try, he tunes me right out or stomps out of the house and sulks for a day or so like a child. My mind tells me to put him out. But I’m in my 40’s and have several children, all in school.

My husband does his own thing. He takes off when he feels like it. He handles all the money. I seldom know what money is coming in, but have to answer the phone and deal with people about our bills. We separated for two years at one point. He was so nice to me, after he found I would still get part of my father’s estate.

I feel trapped and rejected. I long for my husband’s love and attention. If I did what my heart and head, tell me to do, I wouldn’t need any man around me. But the children need a father. I’m so depressed…I went for help to a pastor once.  In his opinion, I was all to blame.”[7]

This pastor probably sent this poor woman back to her husband because he didn’t think she was involved in anything dangerous.  That maybe she was just a bad wife.  And because the bible says “wives submit to your husbands.” 

Each year 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female guardians.[8]  Approximately 44,000 women are beaten by their husbands each year in New Hampshire alone.[9] 

In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability and confusion replace the love, comfort and nurturing that children need.[10]  Forty to sixty percent of men who abuse women also abuse children.[11]

Yet again and again, people underestimate the violence possible in homes, the danger posed to children and helpless victims of abuse: isolated, controlled, kept under the thumb of an abuser and crushed in spirit, pushed to desperation and to feel that they must submit, must comply, must capitulate and have no options.

Is this what the gospel of Jesus Christ is about? Is this what it means to submit to a spouse?

Gilbert Bilezikian (yes he is Armenian), is a professor of biblical studies at Wheaton College in Illinois. He has written a remarkable book entitled “Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible says about a woman’s place in church and family.”[12]

He turns the traditional understanding of how the male-dominated church has interpreted these passages upside-down and inside out.  He brings the words of the bible alive and clarifies the words of the Apostle Paul, making it good news again. 

Lets open up together to Ephesians chapter five.  “Wives submit to your husbands.”  The words are right there in verse 22, it cannot be denied.  But neither can it be denied that the phrase does not end there!!!

Verse 22 actually reads, “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.“ 

Bilezikian does an amazing analysis of these words, looking at parallel occurrences of the vocabulary throughout the Bible and in Paul’s time and reveals the Apostle’s intent.  To submit to Christ is not to lower one’s eyes and bow in weakness, expecting a vicious blow or a hateful rage or a stifling, controlling put-down or threat. 

To submit, as to the Lord, is to respond in awe and love to the love and grace of a servant savior who is the Lord.

Bilezikian says it like this, “the proper response to the Savior’s servant love is a reciprocal servant love.”[13]  One can submit to Christ only because Christ has shown us how.  By first submitting himself to the will of God the Creator, becoming mortal, leaving Godhood in the heavens and taking on human shape and form.  Christ has shown submission himself, by kneeling humbly before his own servants and disciples to wash their feet.  Christ has shown submission himself. By allowing mortals to inflict pain and punishment and death upon himself, by submitting to death to show grace to all men and women and be savior to all humanity he sets the tone for both the man and woman and in fact all Christians in fellowship.  No Christian is to lord it over another because Christ himself did not!  No Christian has authority over another, exclusive authority which leaves one to rule and the other to submit.

Submission of a wife to a husband, or of any person to another in the truest biblical sense is not of a weaker person to the authority and leadership of another, but of coequals submitting to each other.

Bilezikian says, “When wives are instructed to be subject to their husbands ‘as to the Lord,’ it does not mean that a wife suddenly acquires two Lords or that her commitment to her husband has the unconditional ultimacy of their commitment to Christ.  This would be idolatry.  Christian wives have only one Lord and that is Christ himself, the servant lord.  The phrase “as to the Lord” means that a wife’s commitment in submission to her husband should be of a quality similar to her devotion to the Lord.”[14]

That is, one that is a mirroring of the submission and humility that the Lord Jesus Christ himself showed, mirroring the humility and leadership that the husband himself first shows his wife, like Chris, whose humility and submission went so far as to the point of passion, to the point of the Cross.

Christian, Christ-like submission then is reciprocal and exercised by both persons involved in any Christian relationship.  Christian, Christ-like submission then is not a one way street where one dominates and the other submits.  The Christian submission of any disciple of Christ is a natural response to the one Lord who has been a submissive servant himself and has naturally inspired that humble response and it is generalized, that is not only to Christ himself, but to all persons with whom that disciple comes into contact.

Did the man who handcuffed his wife and quoted scripture to her before he shot her understand the level of humility and submission that God required of him?  Did the man who put on a bulletproof vest and destroyed the front door, barricaded shut out of terror, just to go and talk to his wife, understand that God requires mutual submission from ALL his followers, not just wives?

The Apostle Paul himself understood this, in another oft-ignored verse in the passage we quoted today.  Look at verse twenty-one, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Bilezikian highlights the difference between submission and submission to one another.  He says, “submit, means to make oneself subordinate to the authority of a higher power,” however, “being subject to one another is only possible among equals.  It’s a mutual, two way process that excludes the one-way subordination”[15] that so many blindly assume the passage from Paul’s pen requires of women.

44,000 women in New Hampshire alone are beaten by abusers every year.  That’s roughly one woman in every ten in the state of New Hampshire.  With those kinds of numbers, the odds dictate that several women sitting here with us today are living in that kind of horror.  How many of those women do we run into on a daily, weekly basis?  How often do we meet someone who is suffering from this silent, awful, sinful horror?

As many of you know, as a requirement of my Doctoral work, I’ve been working as a counselor, working with couples and individuals through the New England Pastoral Institute here in Salem.  A new initiative called “Open Door” has begun within the last several months sponsored by the Institute but with partners in Catholic Charities, A Safe Place – the woman’s shelter here in town and a number of churches, including Presbyterian, Baptist and Episcopal churches working toward changing the way churches approach this problem.

According to the American Association of Pastoral Counselors, “Religious communities are major gateways for those seeking relief from human suffering and from the mental and emotional illness which is often its byproduct.”  People of all types seeking relief from suffering will look first to churches, religious communities.  Yet as I have said, the problem of domestic violence has been a taboo topic in churches, because of the total misrepresentation and misunderstanding of scripture and the reluctance of pastors and church folk to upset what they think is a family’s stability.  But Open Door will be working to teach pastors and churches how to change this tragic reality.

Can we promise that as we open the doors to our “sanctuary” we are truly offering places of sanctuary?  Do you know the tell-tale signs that indicate that someone is being abused?  Can we model the mutual submission of equal parties that the letter of Paul to the Ephesians speaks of as the model for all family life and all of Christian life?

Even if we wanted to do something would we know how?

Later in the Spring, Open Door will be offering a pastor's seminar to teach pastors how to suggest change in congregations.  Perhaps we too can participate in this.

I pray more than anything else, we would all find ways of doing so, here in our church, but also in every aspect of our lives, showing humility as Christ did, in our marriages, in our parental relationships and yes in all our relationships.  And that we would also be vigilant, looking to reach out and help those who need escape from violence in their homes.

During the coffee time today, you’ll see some materials spread out on a table.  Materials not only describing what the problem looks like but what you and we together might do.

In the meanwhile if you or someone you know is suffering because of abuse or violence, reach out and by God’s grace we can prove that this house of God, this sanctuary built 90 years ago, can open its doors and act as sanctuary from violence, domination and horror.

Amen